as the doe longs for running streams

the main reason for this post is to recommend a new-to-me blog of carl mccolman. i found his discussion of the differences between cataphatic and apophatic spirituality and the occasional struggles between those who practice either path helpful to me in my own attempt to find a balance within these practices, an attempt i mentioned in my pre post, "wild christianity."

during my sojourn in the pacific northwest, i am spending as much time as i can find sitting with creeks, usually whatcome creek, pictured above, or padden creek, which has little sand-bottomed swimming holes near its estuary. i like to think that this sitting is in the tradition of anthony of the desert, who said his scriptures were all of the holy one's creatins. and i find that my desire to see the unseeable has a even longer history. consider psalm 42:

"as a doe longs for running streams,
so longs my soul for you, my god.

my soul thirsts for god, the god of life;
when shall i go to see the face of god?"

wild christianity

i had a bonfire for pentecost. actually, i had two bonfires for pentecost: on the first eve, as i was enjoying the smoke that reminded me of the cloud on the mountain, i thought that perhaps the better time for a fire would be on the second eve. so i had one on the second eve as well.

now, i know that pentecost, despite the cloven tongues of flame, is not primarily a fire festival. the fires of pentecost, like the fires of all hallow's, are about purifying us so that we can properly receive the holy spirit and become saints.

i need all the purification i can get. and i also need the sort of concrete presentation of how the holy one works that bon fires and other catholic superstitions provide. i am not just a rational person. on the other hand, i know better than to follow my emotions. so i thought the representation of christ on the high cross of muiredach at monasterboice is fascinating. on the left side of christ is the great god pan, with his pipes, while king david plays harp on his right. the tension between the two is resolved in christ, the perfect man.

or, why the english think the welsh are emotional

i just started to move back to the pacific northwest, again, and then decided to stay in arkansas and just visit the majestic fjords of washington.

i also just finished reading shirley toulson's the celtic alternative, which is a book one wishes were true. one must also admit that much of what she writes is speculation, especially about the sources of celtic christianity, although she does seem to be on quite solid ground when she writes about celtic monasticism. and since yesterday was the feast of st. brendan, i read his navagatio during the long early summer twilight. there was too much lightning around to go out in my little boat.

but amidst the various bits of wisdom and historical improbabilities of toulan's book was this passage i found quite fascinating:

"the celts of the early church were travelers of an especial sort. occasional journeys could be interpreted as planned missionary projects; but often the instinct that motivated them to follow the example of abraham and leave a settled homestead at god's command was even more compelling than the urge to spread the gospel. yet unlike the true itinerant who knows no other home than his boat or his tent [,which was true for me for several years], they had an intense nostalgic yearning (the hiraeth of the welsh) for their homeland whenever they were away from it [,which has become true for me since coming to the ozarks]. this yearning was of an intensity matched by the desire to be on their travels again once they were at home. it was a desperate sort of restlessness, not unknown to many people today, although they acted it out in a more extreme fashion than most of us are able to do. they had no refuge in save tourism." (p. 80)

how true.

st. chad's hidden life

although i met st. chad as the bishop of litchfield, who had been the humble bishop of york, his life at lastingham has come to be more meaningful to me. it is not really a hidden life, but it was much less public than his work as a bishop. he became abbot of lastingham on the death of his brother, cedd, and it would be at lastingham that he, too, would die.

it was at lastingham that chad was able to spend time in prayer and study, something almost as rare in today's world as walking. but if in today's world walking is very noticeable--i am know in eureka springs as "that walking guy," except by the younger folks who call me "that walking dude"--but no one knows what i do in my private life. st. chad provides a good example for me to pray and study.

but his prayer and his study were different from what comes so easily. his prayer was almost reflexive, and responded to the needs he saw around him as automatically as cnn responds to whatever is the news of today's moment. but prayer is probably a more effective response, sometimes a more compassionate response, than dispatching a person to tell us what is happening with no way to respond. and chad's study was what we would call medittion, or contemplation.

it is that example that makes me realize how much of my study is about god, rather than actually seeking to know the holy one. i need that example, each day.

being chosen by a patron: chad

"walk in love, as christ loved us."

when i "founded" the order of st. chad,i knew very little about him. in truth, it was much more that st. chad "found" me. it had been his cross that led me to him: a greek cross with barred arms and a square at the center. if the jerusalem cross, with its little crosses in the four directions, suggests taking the gospel to the four corners of the world, it seemed to me that st. chad's cross, with its square, suggested living the gospel where one found oneself.

i had of course read bede's mention of chad (books iii, chapters 23, 24 & 28, and iv, chapters 2&3; chad's student trumhere was bede's tutor in scriptures). later i would read r. hyett warner's life and legends of saint chad, bishop of litchfield, (669-972) (wisbech: leach & son [,1871]), which has many more stories of chad at lastingham, where he followed his brother cedd as abbot. warner is concerned about the relation of the church in england to the roman church from almost the direct opposite perspective of the romanist bede. but at first there were but a few things that caught my attention from reading bede.

first, chad walked. i love walking, and find it convenient to use chad as an excuse. second, chad was humble. i'm far from humble and constantly find chad an encouraging example. third, chad lived in a time of considerable conflict about religius authority. i live in a similar time, and find chad an insightful guide.

the fascinating part has been how my casual adoption of st. chad has led to more and more discoveries about him and his times and myself and my times. the prayers of the saints are not to be scoffed at.

the order of st. chad

i have mentioned the snowy morning in march of 1991 when then bishop richard gundrey received my provisional vows to poverty, obedience, and stability, an act which would lead to the founding of a little group of seven spiritual pilgrims called the order of st. chad, of which i was given the exalted-sounding title of director general.

the idea behind the order, as i found as i learned more about the traditions of monasticism, was not at all unusual: that there should be some support and encouragement for someone leading a life searching for intimacy with the holy one, while living in "the world."

of that seven, most of us have continued in the sort of path related to, at least, what we would grandly call "the rule of st. chad." two men became benedictines; one woman founded an orphanage in rural new mexico. i have lost touch with one of the original members, who was last heard from headed for the wilds of arizona, although i suspect he continues his rule there. one young man became more and more involved in his american indian ancestry. i have ended up in a very comfortable "disert" in eureka springs.

and i have come to a place in my life when i want to "re-boot" the order of st. chad. the original rule, although copies are stored safely in an archbishop's file cabinet somewhere, was lost to me in a hurricane in south carolina. but from my experience living with those vows over the past years, i am ready to issue a revised set of vows and rules for the order.

the first day of the week in john's gospel

i am struck by the different behaviours of peter,john, and mary magdalene at the tomb that morning early on the first day of the week.

mary seems to be that part of each of us and of the church that is seeking truly to see god. her seeking, her catechumenate, even if it be unconscious to us, prompts peter, our active body, and john, our soul which the holy one loves, to join the search. the soul may be urgent, outrunning the body, but unless the body also enters into the mystery, it is limited. baptism preceeds mystagogy; then the soul believes. then usually we go back to our home.

but sometimes that truly seeking part of us, that womb within us which is the ark for the spirit, lingers, takes a second, and sees the lord who calls us by name.

the celtic church at the council of whitby claimed to be the church of john, and some contemporary folks seeking to recover celtic traditions make the same claim. but let us not dismiss too quickly the role of peter's church. urged on by the holy desires of mary, peter also has seen the lord, and has preserved the possibility of that vision and methods for of achieving it and sharing it (think of the sacraments and the vatican library), even if peter has not always seen the vision clearly himself. for the salvation of the world, for the understanding of the vision, peter and john must remain friends. they "went away again," remember, "unto their own home." (john 20:10) and they would be together in the iconic healing of the "man lame from his mother's womb" in the third chapter of acts (a story worthy of very careful reading).

"but mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping; and as she wept, she stooped down into the sepulchre and seeth two angels in white." then, "she turneth herself back, and saw jesus." most of us, i suspect, would feel pretty good about ourselves if we saw two angels. but mary--the true contemplative--turns herself away because she wants to see jesus, not some messenger no matter how well attired.

now obviously this text is rich with much more meaning than this feeble discussion, but even this cursory reading is, i think, useful as an indication of the function and values of different parts of our persons and of the church, parts we often hold in competition (consider the foolish popular discussion of the assumedly gnostic gospel of mary) or to rank. all are necessary. without the desire to see the lord, which is one of the major themes of john's gospel, then the organized church, with st. peter's basilica and st. john lateran, would be no more than a religious disneyland. but that part of us affirms that there is more to life than the emptiness of the tomb. st. john lateran is outside the walls--a very important image, because to understand the mystery we must always go outisde the walls. then supported by the church active and meditative life, the seed of holy desire flowers in contemplation.

by the way, one of the aspects of st. chad's life that makes him so remarkable was the way he held these three aspects of his person together. but that is a tale for another night.